Rappin' Rio - more rhymes than Theo

England boss Fabio Capello has revealed the new team captain was selected by the players testing their lyrical skills in a rap battle.

The 3 Lions’ finest took turns on the microphone to demonstrate their hip hop prowess with beat-boxing provided by Stuart Psycho Pearce.

While Gareth “Big Dilly” Barry and Peter “The Chronic” Crouch were among the early favourites, it was Rio Ferdinand who shrugged off the competition to take the coveted armband.

Ferdinand scored high in the 3 most important categories: kickin’ rhymes, dope cussin’ and of course, looking like a dick.

There was a typically late challenge from Joleon Lescott but he eventually backed down when Ferdinand called his momma a ho.

“Your momma’s a ho.” Said Ferdinand.

When quizzed on his methods, Capello commented: “Yes, yes. I fink it is the a best way to know what a captain is. This because when I have a captain, I a need to know his shit is very tight. Yes, very tight. That’s it.”

Ferdinand’s amazing talents can be seen here.

I from Barcelona

Arsenal Football Club have released a statement saying Cesc Fabregas should not always be taken literally as he often has difficulty with the English language.

“With Cesc being the victim of constant misquotations in the press we think it’s important for people to realise he doesn’t actually have a clue what he’s saying.” The statement read.

The Gunners have also referred to a recent interview between Fabregas and a North London newspaper reporter as proof. The interview has been transcribed below.

Reporter: So Cesc, are you happy to stay here at Arsenal?

Fabregas: ¿qué?

Reporter: Do you like being in London?

Fabregas: I from Barcelona.

Reporter: I see. Do you know who Arsène Wenger is?

Fabregas: I know nothing.

Although the young Spaniard seems happy enough with his life at Arsenal, those closest to Fabregas have revealed they have seen several marks and bruises all over his body.

One very close friend commented: “It’s true, the lad’s got a big bump on the back of his coconut. I’ve only seen such a bruise once before… and it was caused by a frying pan.”

Joe gets booked

England midfield maestro Joe Cole has admitted he may now struggle to complete his series of novels following his move to Liverpool.

For the past few years Cole has had plenty of time to pen a whole shelf of crime stories. However, he now feels he will not have enough time since he is in danger of actually having to play some games of football in the coming season.

“Yeh, I might have to put the books on hold for a little while. It’s a shame ‘cos there’s a real gap in the market for scratch ‘n’ sniff crime books, know what I mean?” Said Cole.

“I want to write stories that people will remember and enjoy reading to their kids. I know it’s going to be tough – there’s so many great writers out there! For example, have you read Piers Morgan’s autobiography?”

Liverpool fans will be looking forward to seeing the former Chelsea man take to the field once more, and most followers of the Reds have rubbished reports Cole has only moved there to get more material for his new hardback.

Merseyside mechanic Mickey Oatcake commented: “Eh? There’s no way Joey has come for the crime, he’s had plenty of that while he was knocking around with that Ashley Cole.”

Joe Cole’s latest thriller, Frankie Gets Fingered is due out at the end of the year.

I'm not racist but...

FA director Sir Trevor Brooking has stated that he dislikes foreign people and he thinks English are much better.

Speaking in an interview with a local radio station, Brooking commented: “I just don’t see the point in foreigners. It’s ok to see a few at the caravan park if you’re on holiday, but I think that’s the only place I should have to see them.”

Sir Trevor’s latest controversial remark has been met with mixed reactions from the nation’s public.

Landscape gardener Brian Hopscotch said: “Well, maybe Brooking’s got a point – all the best grass comes from Britain so, you know, maybe people are a bit like grass?”

However, shop assistant Charmane Fruitini argues: “I reckon he’s lost his marbles! I fucking love going away for my holidays and shagging all the locals, they’re all oily and talk funny. Last year I went to Aberystwyth and it were brill!”

Brooking has recently added that although he does not like foreigners, he is a huge fan of rock band Foreigner.

“Oh yeah I’m a big Foreigner fan. I always play Cold As Ice when I’m getting a new pack of fish fingers out the freezer.”

Don't help me, I have to learn

Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson has revealed during a recent interview that Scottish people are handicapped.

He said: “Aye, it came as quite a shock to me at first. I remember I was just sitting on a park bench one day when I started dribbling uncontrollably.”

Ferguson then went on to say that although clearly disadvantaged, people should always be cautious before offering help to Scots.

“If ye want to offer your help to one of us, on the bus say, ye have to allow the jock to take your arm. NEVER grab them without warning, especially if they are still enjoying their morning can of Tennent’s Super.”

Despite being Scottish himself, Sir Alex has vowed to stay on at Manchester United until every seat in Old Trafford can be accessed by a wheelchair ramp.

You're saying it wrong

Frenchman Thierry Henry has decided to leave Barcelona as he has reportedly become sick of people mispronouncing his name.

In a press conference, the former Arsenal favourite stated: “Zees Spaneesh keep saying it wrong!”

Henry had become increasingly frustrated after years of practicing all the Spanish and Italian names he has come across in La Liga.

Henry has also revealed he will now relocate to the US, where he plans to set up a barber shop with golfing legend Tiger Woods.

“Zis is a great great idea, Tigre and me boths fucking love to remove ze hair.” he said. “We used to take ze turns on Zizou’s bonce while he was azleep!”

La Copa Gnomo

Melty-faced TV presenter Adrian Chiles is enjoying new fame and fortune following the FIFA World Cup as sales of his brand of clay mugs have rocketed.

The commemorative World Cup mugs are available from selected SPAR stores across the UK.

Chiles’ agent commented: “The sales of these fantastic vessels have cemented Adrian’s status as the world’s top entertainer. This just goes to show he knows all there is to know about football.”

Following Spain’s 1-0 thrashing of the Netherlands in the World Cup final, hordes of Shropshire-based Spaniards have been queueing overnight to get there hands on La Copa Gnomo, which is already considered good luck to have around the house.

After collecting his pre-ordered mug, loyal fan Bruno Santiago screamed: “I so happy to get this! I going to fill it with paper clips and goats milk and send to my mother. She like thing like this but she dead.”

Ever read something fantastic in the news and thought you couldn’t make this up?

Well, actually you can.